Thursday, January 26, 2012

"Trying to fight gravity"

There was a snowstorm here last week, one that closed roads and made travel difficult.  I worked late that night, and stayed in a hotel for safety.  Partner came, and stayed with me.

It was an odd evening, in that for a large part of it we did not really interact.  He played guitar and watched hockey, I played a puzzle game on my phone.  We chatted, but did not particularly flirt.  We existed as friends would, simply enjoying the peace of the moment together.

I was aware of him, but not focused on him.  I didn't really exist for him until he didn't exist for me.  As sudden as a thought, I felt him near me; felt his breath on my neck and his fingers tangled in my hair.  He spoke, I couldn't hear him.

This is what falling feels like.  I'm hanging by a thread; not willing to succumb.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

"Untouchable face"

In the month leading up to Partner and I taking the leap, we spent a lot of time doing what single people do... talking, flirting, hinting at what was in our thoughts.  It was strange for me, as a married woman, to have a man approach me in that way.  It was strange for me to want a man besides my husband in that way.

Even stranger was his complete willingness to bide his time.  I was never sure when he was serious, never sure if he was going to kiss me or walk away.

I was terrified.  I was bewildered.   And I was hooked.

My husband could see the changes in me, could see me coming out the fog.  He was scared and jealous.  I would go out to the bar with Partner, and as soon as I returned home he would initiate sex.  I felt ashamed of my perceived infidelity despite my innocence.  I justified what I was doing as innocent fun; explained away the sideways glances and the brushing of fingertips as actions with no intention behind them.

The night that I rolled the dice & kissed Partner, I knew in my soul that this was not wrong.  Sharing my body with a man outside of my vows was not immoral, was not reproachable.  It seemed the most natural thing in the world.  My body is mine, my husband does not own it.  I share it when and where I desire to.

Partner never pushed for more, never asked me to cross a boundary that I wasn't ready to.  At this point there has not yet been sex.  He and I are not in love, nor are we attempting to build a relationship.  We are simply very sexually compatible and willing to spend our time exploring that together.  Husband and Partner have met, and are getting to know each other better, as Partner and I have been friends for several years and are not likely to part ways anytime soon.

My life is becoming something amazing, and I could not be happier.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The opening

I woke up the morning after my 32nd birthday and knew I wasn't going back.  The last 5 years of monogamy, motherhood, conformity, and monotony were crushing me; a million strings of conditional love pulling me down into a depression I hadn't known was there.

Looking back on the last year, I can see the slow crumble of my world.  I can see exactly where things started to unravel, and while the mother in me wants to fix it, the woman in me wants to pull the strings farther, see where this unraveling will take us.  In my quest to become the perfect spouse, I forgot how to be the woman I really am.

A random decision, a rare night out without the confines of my life holding me in check, and I have woken up.  To be seen, truly seen by a man for the first time in years, was exhilarating.  That first night, we both denied there was a spark.

The second night, it was unmistakable.

He showed me my light; I still fight the darkness.  He brought back my bravery, my fire, my voice, my sense of self.  I do not love him, but I cannot deny the intensity of what we share.

Five days ago I let my guard down.  Three days ago I confronted my spouse with what should have been the first conversation we ever had.  I spoke calmly, and with conviction and honesty.  In the entirety of my life as a sexually active woman, I have never been good with monogamy.  I have fucked up a million relationships in the past by not being able to tie myself to just one person at a time.

I gave him 5 solid years of monogamy.  And I lost myself in the process.  I want my life back, but I refuse to give up my family, my love, my stability.  We argued.  We blamed.  He assumed.  In the end we were able to come up with a reasonable set of rules and an agreement that we can both live with.

1. Honesty.  If one of us is going out with another partner, the spouse must know who and where.
2. No one may spend the night in our bed.  A partner must be gone well before our children are awake for the day.
3. Protection must be used each and every time.
4. Our relationship is more important than any other partner.  Time at home must be more than time spent with others.

I am always, always going to go home to my husband.  He is my soulmate in each and every sense of the word.    I will not, however, continue to live the lie that we are taught - that monogamy is the only way to live.