Thursday, January 19, 2012

The opening

I woke up the morning after my 32nd birthday and knew I wasn't going back.  The last 5 years of monogamy, motherhood, conformity, and monotony were crushing me; a million strings of conditional love pulling me down into a depression I hadn't known was there.

Looking back on the last year, I can see the slow crumble of my world.  I can see exactly where things started to unravel, and while the mother in me wants to fix it, the woman in me wants to pull the strings farther, see where this unraveling will take us.  In my quest to become the perfect spouse, I forgot how to be the woman I really am.

A random decision, a rare night out without the confines of my life holding me in check, and I have woken up.  To be seen, truly seen by a man for the first time in years, was exhilarating.  That first night, we both denied there was a spark.

The second night, it was unmistakable.

He showed me my light; I still fight the darkness.  He brought back my bravery, my fire, my voice, my sense of self.  I do not love him, but I cannot deny the intensity of what we share.

Five days ago I let my guard down.  Three days ago I confronted my spouse with what should have been the first conversation we ever had.  I spoke calmly, and with conviction and honesty.  In the entirety of my life as a sexually active woman, I have never been good with monogamy.  I have fucked up a million relationships in the past by not being able to tie myself to just one person at a time.

I gave him 5 solid years of monogamy.  And I lost myself in the process.  I want my life back, but I refuse to give up my family, my love, my stability.  We argued.  We blamed.  He assumed.  In the end we were able to come up with a reasonable set of rules and an agreement that we can both live with.

1. Honesty.  If one of us is going out with another partner, the spouse must know who and where.
2. No one may spend the night in our bed.  A partner must be gone well before our children are awake for the day.
3. Protection must be used each and every time.
4. Our relationship is more important than any other partner.  Time at home must be more than time spent with others.

I am always, always going to go home to my husband.  He is my soulmate in each and every sense of the word.    I will not, however, continue to live the lie that we are taught - that monogamy is the only way to live.

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