Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Privacy vs. Honesty

The Mister and I had a couple blow-ups this weekend, both of which revolved around the basic communication that is required when you are a poly couple.  No one was wrong, and no one was right.  We were both a little of each.  The crucial thing to remember when you are a poly couple is that no matter what you do, toes will be stepped on, someone will be a little hurt by a seemingly meaningless word or act, and you will have to work through those feelings in order to maintain balance.

Sunday's argument was silly.  Yesterday's argument was the marriage equivalent of World War 3.

I had lunch with the Libertine yesterday.  I did not tell the Mister that I was going, simply said I was going out and that I would wake him up when I got home (the Mister works nights and was in bed when I left).  Major Mistake #1.

I returned home and crawled into bed with the Mister, where we made love and snuggled for an hour or so before I fell asleep contentedly.  The Mister decided to get up and get his day going.  While I was asleep, apparently my phone was chirping non-stop, so the Mister checked my messages, saw that I was with the Libertine, and promptly flipped the fuck out.  Major Mistake #2.

You can see where this is going.  He is angry because I lied by omission.  I am angry because he invaded my privacy.  Neither of these behaviors are remotely normal in our marriage; normally I'm an over-sharer, and he respects the fact that my phone is the only place in the world where my secrets are my own.  But being poly can bring out the worst in a couple.  I am In Love with the Libertine, and in my haste to see him I did not disclose my intentions.  I still cannot figure out why I did that, it's very out of character for me.  The Mister, very aware of my new love, is worried (in some corner of himself) that I am not going to come home to him.  Rationally, he knows that's silly, but it's hard to deny the nagging voice of the green eyed monster when it visits.

Neither of us was right, both of us were wrong.  We both did things that crossed the boundaries of acceptable behavior within our marriage.  The Mister very smartly stepped out of the house for a time, because neither of us does well discussing problems when we are white-hot angry.

At the end of the day, after the fighting and the drama are done, the Mister and I are stronger.  We were both wrong.  We were both right to be angry.  We both know that these actions will never be repeated.  We love each other, respect each other's boundaries, and are moving forward as partners.

Sometimes you have to fall down in order to get back up together, better.

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