Monday, April 30, 2012
I think part of it is the deepening emotions I have for the Prime, and the already mind-blowing connection I have with the Libertine. Add in the Mister, and you've got so much love that I don't want to jeopardize any of it. It's not that I don't have more love to give, it's that right now I want to give my love to these three particular men. I was thinking about the black ball incident the other day, and I'm actually relieved that it happened. I am so happy, so wrapped up in these relationships, I'm not sure how I would add a third boyfriend.
I'm beginning to believe very strongly that the Mister plus two is my sweet spot. I can balance them all in my schedule, I don't feel like anyone is getting shortchanged, and I'm genuinely excited to see each of them before each date. It helps that a lot of my dates with the Libertine are family oriented evenings, with adult time after the kids go to bed. It also helps that the Prime and I, while we only see each other about once a week, chat every day, talk on the phone several times a week, and have our photo game.
Yes, I'm happy here. I think I'll stay a while...
Saturday, April 28, 2012
- Playing Lego Indiana Jones with the Libertine & the Mister. Purposely killing both of them with a shovel, because it's funny and I'm a brat.
- Driving anywhere with the Monkey - "Is that the Libertine's car? Can we see the Princess today? Can we play in the sandbox with the Oso?" (The Princess is the Libertine's daughter... Oso is the Prime's son).
- Wednesday night the intake vent in our hallway was inexplicably hanging by one screw. My stupid ass got on a chair to get it down so no one would get hurt. 5 seconds later I'm curled in a ball having taken a heavy ass vent cover to the chin, pride completely bruised, face fucked up. Added to the cut above my lip from the Mongoose, I look like I joined Fight Club. Sexy. The Mister's response? Laughter.
- Seeing the Prime for the first time in two weeks tonight, having him wrap his arms around me, kiss me, and say "I love you. I missed you."
- The Princess (age 5) & the Monkey (age 4) came in from playing outside. The Monkey asked for help with his shoes, so the Princess knelt down to help him. She's super sweet like that, and also helped him take off his socks. The Monkey started chanting "sockie, sockie," except it sounded like "sucky, sucky." The Libertine, Mrs. Libertine, the Mister, and I lost our collective minds laughing. Bonus points to the Mister for making a Full Metal Jacket reference.
- The Mister saw my recent tweet about never having enough sexy underwear, and promptly bought me more.
- Lounging in bed with the Libertine one morning, when the sound of the Monkey's feet suddenly hitting the floor made him jump out of his skin. He looked the way cats do in cartoons when someone sneaks up on them. I almost peed my pants laughing (for the record, there was a locked door between us and the Monkey).
- Watching the Mongoose (age 1) toddle up to Mrs. Libertine, arms outstretched for her to pick him up and snuggle him.
- Watching the Mongoose poach food from every person in the house. Every day.
- Fitting into a size smaller pants prompted me to text all of the boys the following "Whoever said sex is not enough of a workout to drop a pants size obviously never fucked me!"
- There was bacon. There's always bacon. Oh god, I love bacon.
- Swype does not wish for me to be able to tell anyone I love them. Common autocorrects this week include: lobe, louver, lore, live, and lube.
- The Prime and I rearranged a date for next week. He got a kick out of watching my calendar update in real time. Oh Google, what would we do without your glorious calendar?
- Crawling into bed with the Libertine Thursday night, snuggling up, and simply going to sleep.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
One interesting thing that has happened is that the Libertine and I have started to let any semblance of distance between our online personalities evaporate. We both told the car story on our respective blogs, and we banter on twitter now as well. I've talked to friends of mine about him, and he's talked to friends of his about me, and the walls are slowly breaking down. Neither of us has a problem with this; it's just something we are letting happen naturally, though I did have a bit of a freak out last week when he was gushing about me to a rather well known internet friend (the Libertine is WAY more out than I am).
Another odd side affect of twitter is friction with the Mister. He doesn't read me here very much, but for some reason he felt the need to follow me on twitter. His reaction was odd, because he seemed to think that I was behaving completely differently online than I do in my day to day life. I may be a little more forward here, due to the anonymity, but for the most part I am who I am. In this instance, I needed the Mister to clearly communicate to me what was bothering him. Was it the frequent references to sex? Was it that the Libertine and I were bantering about our upcoming weekend events? Was it that I was expanding my poly circle even further?
As I get farther and farther out of the "poly closet" I'm finding that I have to keep adjusting my expectations. Not everyone is just going to nod and say "that's weird," and move on. The Mister isn't always going accept a new partner. My immediate family is going to have to be told about our relationships eventually, and that will probably be rough. Even people I'd considered close friends have given me a bit of a cold shoulder since I've come out to them as polyamorous. But at the end of the day, I have these awesome men who love me, and who get me. I get to share my heart with all three of them, and that's enough for me. I don't need anyone else's approval.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn`t fear
for I`ve never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst
could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I`ve found the one I`ve waited for
Monday, April 23, 2012
I'm entering foreign territory for me; in the past I've tried to keep my balance between dating and family. More and more those two worlds are mingling, to the point where I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins.
As of today, I've seen the Libertine in some fashion for the past 15 straight days.
Saturday night I was supposed to be with the Prime, but things fell through. I was content to stay home and work on a project for myself, until I heard from the Libertine that he was having a weird night and was free. I thought he was asking to come see me, and was excited that he wanted to get together... except I misunderstood him, and he was on his way to another of the girls. What followed was an odd sensation for me - I was a little jealous, and very upset with myself for jumping to conclusions. The Libertine, aware of my mood shift, changed his plans and showed up on my doorstep, apologetic and concerned.
I felt awful. I had told him to go have fun with his other girl. I was fine, I just needed a minute to process what my emotions were doing to me. I was not trying to monopolize his attention, I know that we all have to share. But there he was, making time to make sure I was all right, dropping everything to make sure I still loved him and needed him.
He helped me put the baby to bed, and we talked about our misunderstanding. We went to bed stronger. Sunday morning we awoke to the sounds of the kids playing in their room, so we got up and spent the morning playing. When the Mister got home we made waffles and then played video games with Monkey #1. I kept looking at my family accepting this man into our lives and thinking I could never go back. The Libertine and I are so wrapped up in each other, so ready for this step. The Mister has commented that he can feel me changing, becoming more open, more willing to face change.
This doesn't mean I'm done dating. I love the Prime, too. He and I share a completely different bond, one that I could never have expected. I think I'm just realizing that these men, they are becoming a part of my soul, a part of who I am.
I couldn't be happier than I am right now.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Poly dating is about balance. I'm not so good at balance. I have a tendency to take something awesome and run with it, sometimes forgetting that my actions and words have an emotional impact on others. I also have a tendency to get very attached to time with the boys. I crave their company, almost to a fault.
We're all adults, and things come up, dates get canceled, I accept this. It still stings to get canceled on. Part of the fun of dating is the anticipation of spending time with someone. When the rug gets pulled out from under you, you can't help feeling a little bit deflated & lost - a friend of mine likes to tell me that it's like someone took away my popsicle.
I try very hard not to get cranky or spiteful when a date is canceled. I try not to make comparisons or think too much. But sometimes it's nearly impossible to keep my spirits up when it feels like the universe is out to ensure I don't see someone. When that happens I shut down almost entirely, because I hate passive aggressive behavior and when I start to see it in myself I simply stop interacting. And it's always at this point that someone will decide they want to chat with me. It never fails that whoever calls or texts me knows something is wrong almost immediately, and they take it upon themselves to fix it. I don't want to be fixed! I just want to take a step back and mentally reboot. You pushing me to talk about what's bugging me... Is bugging me!
Sometimes "I'll be fine," means just that, gentlemen!
Friday, April 20, 2012
"It could be worse, tell him he could be dealing with someone like me!"
"Yeah... how does that work, exactly?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well... do they all know about each other?"
"And they're ... okay with that?"
"Well they'd better be, since they're all fucking other people, too!"
Not even a deer in headlights could have looked funnier than her face at that moment.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
With the Mister, the game is usually child related - who can get the kids to do the funniest/smartest/awesomest thing while the other is away working. On Tuesday the Mister texted me to let me know that Monkey #1 was pretending to be a transformer, complete with sound effects. He is an Autobot, obviously. Conversely, I got to inform the Mister when Monkey #2 started saying "car" and "show" (that's what he calls Netflix). We're in a friendly battle of witnessing awesome kid stuff. After being married for 5 years, there's not a lot left to learn about each other, so this kind of game becomes fun in that we are trying to one-up each other.
With the Prime, the game is much more one-sided. He likes to give me a challenge to take a photo of myself and send it to him. Sometimes they're salacious, sometimes they're not, but they all come with a 24 hour time limit. I don't photo challenge him back, but I will frequently not take the photo, or send him a completely unrequested photo just to see what he'll do. Our relationship is heavy on the kinky side, so this game can (and does) have some wicked fun consequences. I can be such a brat.
The Libertine and I engage in a much more intellectual game - we take turns asking each other questions. I'm not really sure how the game started, but we've been playing it almost since the day we first started chatting. Questions range from "Who is your favorite Muppet?" to "What's your least favorite sexual act?" There are no boundaries, nothing is off limits, and as of yet neither of us has refused to answer a question.
I hope that I'm not the only person out there that does this kind of thing. It's a great way to maintain contact with a partner even if you can't see them for an extended period of time. It's also a great way to keep things lively between you if you've been together a long time. Besides, what's the point of dating if you can't fuck with your partner from time to time?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
"Okay. They both want Monday."
"They can't both have Monday, who asked first."
"Boy A, but Boy B's schedule is much harder to work around."
"Hmm... maybe we can share."
"Yes! This could work!"
The Mister and I felt like this is what our lives are supposed to be like. I can't wait for him to bring a partner home, too.
The Libertine and I are getting so wrapped up in this. I met Mrs. Libertine, who is awesome. Our kids have bonded with each other, and with us. My youngest spent almost an hour reading books with him last week. It's joyous.
The Prime and I finally had a chance to talk about our feelings for each other, and I couldn't be happier. Things are falling together awesomely for us. I love his wife to death, and we all have a great time hanging out with the kids.
I love my boys. I love my life.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The whole point of our second date was that I would meet his wife. As soon as she arrived, I knew that my time with this wonderful boy was over. There's a whole segment of the poly population that defines polyamory in a way that I simply can't wrap my brain around. Part of it is that I am as straight as they come - I admire the female form for its beauty, but I am not sexually attracted to women in the slightest. These couples, they look for a woman (very VERY rarely a man) to date together, as a triad. I'm not knocking their preference, to each their own, it's just not my thing.
The Boy and his wife, well... they seem to be looking for a triad. They are very new to solo poly dating, and I was the first woman he brought home to meet his wife. I don't think that he was trying to entrap me into a situation where he could magically change my sexual orientation, I think he just got caught up in how great our chemistry was. He wanted me to meet her, so she could approve of us getting to know each other better. I wouldn't say that the wife and I didn't get along, just that she was NOT ready for this step to be taken yet.
No matter how you slice it, though, getting black balled really fucking sucks. You still have this great chemistry with the person you were dating. You still want to be friends with them. But somehow, it's really hard to do because when you talk to them you tend to get distracted by the memory of kissing them... and the knowledge that you won't get to do it again.
I discussed this issue with the Libertine, since he has been through similar situations before, and this is part of what I said to him via an email:
I don't really know how to feel about this. Part of me is just "meh, it didn't work out," but part of me is thinking that I was inadvertantly a beta test of sorts. And that irritates the fuck out of me. If I had known that Wife had never met a potential girlfriend before I would NOT have agreed to meet them at their home, I would have gone to a neutral place. I am so all over the place with this, not because I'm angry it didn't work out, but because I'm angry that I got put into a situation where I was doomed to fail. The minute Wife arrived I knew I would not be seeing Boy again. And that was the most awkward 90 minutes, even worse than you fixing my car with my dad.I wish the Boy and his wife luck in their polyamory journey. Every couple has to find the path that fits them the best. Not everyone can date the way I do, and maintain multiple individual relationships the way I do.
I could go on about the entire concept of approval and the motherfucking black ball, but that's a post for another day.
I inadvertently got myself into a spot today (I know, what else is new). For once, I didn't almost out myself in an awkward way. Instead, I almost blew up a relationship. Hey, April, KNOCK IT OFF.
I've not talked about the Prime a whole lot, for a few reasons. First of all, I try not to over share about a partner until I've touched base with them about what I'm doing here, and made sure they are okay with a certain amount of our personal lives being on the internet, albeit anonymously. Secondly, I've been feeling a little bit confused regarding my feelings towards the Prime, and I don't want to say anything here that I haven't said to him face to face yet.
Thursday night, the Prime had a first date. I am not particularly jealous, and I don't mind that he had a date. I will admit to feeling a little sad that he and I have had to cancel our past two dates, but that feeling didn't interfere with me being glad he had a date. I was spending the evening with the Mister and the Libertine, so I was happy he had some company too.
Here is the problem: his date was someone that had previously dated the Libertine, and the end result of those shenanigans were not good. They were so not good, in fact, that I had heard the story long before this woman ever became an intended date of the Prime's.
I had no wish to seem like the overbearing girlfriend who tries to scare her lover off a new date. I had no wish to look like I was being jealous or possessive in any way, so I did not mention my knowledge about this woman to the Prime. My rationale was, he is a grown up, he can make his own decisions, and I don't want to interfere. Fast forward to Friday morning: the Prime and I were chatting, and he mentioned that this woman thought she may have dated the Libertine in the past. I (stupidly) responded simply with an affirmative. What I should have done was tell the Prime the whole story, including how I found out about their connection.
The Prime was irritated that I hadn't told him this before his date. I had thought I was being an awesome girlfriend in letting him make up his own mind regarding her. I get his point, the Chicago poly community isn't that big, so chances are you will eventually end up knowing people through multiple lines of relationships. Knowing ahead of time that partners of partners have dated in the past is a really good thing. I just wasn't thinking of the big picture.
Now, this in itself wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was the barrage of information, questions, not-quite-accusations, and little bits of judgment that I got from both the Libertine and the Prime. They had this woman in common, and stories had started to converge. Even worse, new information was disclosed to me that I had to immediately disclose to the Prime, (which I was afraid made me look like I really was trying to sabotage him). I have gone back and read both conversations a couple of times at this point, and I'm still pretty muddled on the exact origin of all of the crazy.
The bottom line is, I felt like I had to defend my relationships with both men, to the other one. Both men had valid concerns regarding each other, and I was feeling like I was being pushed at from all sides. I apologized to the Prime for mistakenly withholding information, and I talked to the Libertine about how the whole thing was making me feel. From there, I became increasingly uncomfortable talking to the Prime about the situation. I got to the point where I had to say "I need some time to think, I'll talk to you later," and leave my phone on my desk.
I felt awful. Here I was, making a man who cares about me feel as though I don't respect him enough to share everything with him. I had somehow managed to get stuck in the middle of a web of relationships, and all I wanted was for the awkward craziness to go away.
On my way home I stopped to see him. I had to tell him in person that I was sorry, and that everything had spiraled out of control seemingly on its own. I had to tell him that I don't know how I'm feeling about him, but I that I care about him a LOT, and I don't want to fuck up our relationship. I know I need to spend some time thinking about how I'm feeling - but as I've said before, I really prefer my life to unfold organically and not to force things to go my way. It's very hard, though. Often, the Prime will say something spectacularly funny, and my gut reaction is to say "I love you," in my flippant and playful tone. I don't say it, but it makes me wonder... why is that my first reaction? Do I really mean it? Or is it just one of those things I say in day to day life, like using Bananapants instead of the word crazy?
Sometimes being poly can be a nightmare.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
In the denouement, I avoid your eyes. I was made for this - made for the wanting, the fucking. After, I'm unsure of myself, unsure of my worth in the world of the clothed and disguised. The wanting is my home. The needing is my serenity. Men see me, wonder, shrug it off. Societal norms be damned, they all want the crush of my flesh and the soft caress of my lips. They wonder: can she do as she claims? All the glances, half toned suggestions, barely felt fingertips. I'm a force of nature, a maddening torment and a forbidden desire.
After the brush with death and faith, I return to my solitary moments and think - fuck them all, fuck them until they cannot take any more. Fuck them them until they scream my name and beg for the moment to end. Fuck them into eternity, it's what you were made for.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Last night I got to experience a simply perfect first date. I knew we'd have a lot to talk about, and that there would be witty banter. I knew at the very least we'd make fantastic friends. But what I hoped... oh, what I hoped was exactly what happened!
We clicked. We clicked so well that halfway through our first drink there was already flirty touching and playful glances. By the time we started playing pool, our first kiss was inevitable. I couldn't even tell you what we talked about for half the night. I was having such a good time, and was in full Flirty Girl mode.
We closed out the bar. The poor bartender had turned off almost all the lights and had most everything put up before we finally headed outside. Not five minutes later we were kissing like teenagers and giggling at each other. Both of us tried to leave multiple times, to no avail. But the best thing, the thing that clinched the night for me, was him pulling back from a kiss to rather seriously ask me "Are you OK to drive?" A boy that's responsible, a geek at heart, AND a great kisser?
Needless to say, the second date has already been scheduled.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
A part of me wants to prioritize, but I just can't. I crave the human interaction. I like that there are men who really want to talk to me, who find me interesting and value what I have to say. I love to flirt, I love to make them laugh, I love it all.
But I also hate it. I hate feeling like I'm being pulled from all sides. I hate wanting to know what each of my boys is doing, and if they're having a good day, and when will I see you next? I hate being at the mercy of Google calendar.
I don't really know what I'm getting at here. I'm feeling torn and confused in the wake of the craziness from early in the week. The only thing I know for sure, is that my phone is going to chirp, and I'm going to pick it up and smile at the message waiting for me. Or maybe it will chirp, and I'll pick it up and sigh because it's not the person I hoped it would be.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I know my blog is not hard to find. I don't hide myself much because I don't see the point. The names of the people involved are not disclosed, and I don't write anything overtly salacious or incriminating. The only reason I flag my blog as adult content is I write about non-monogamy, and not everyone wants their kids to read about it.
That being said, the existence of my blog was a sore point for the person whose feelings were hurt. They felt that I was doing something malicious (which I am NOT), and somehow this space was a part of that. My initial gut reaction was to close the blog to outsiders while things settled down. Over the course of the morning, I realized this is MY space. I write about MY life. It has nothing to do with you. I am not hurting you.
I want this space open for others to read. I don't publicize it, I don't put the link out there, but if you find me and you like what you're reading, then read on. Comment if you like. I will not stop sharing this adventure.
Or, Mr. Universe would say, "You can't stop the signal, Mal."
Monday, April 2, 2012
So I'm sitting here, keeping my mind busy with inane tasks, and hoping.
I think maybe I better go running.
Some days, I'm not the best me I can be. Some days, I'm not the best girlfriend or wife I can be. My work often takes precedence over my personal life (never my kids), and that can be frustrating for the Mister and to a lesser extent, to the men I see. My job is extremely hands on, constantly changing, and fast paced. Some days I just don't have time for the sexy texts, or the flirty Google talk messages, or the emails. Some days, I want to throw my phone out the window.
Even worse, I have a really, REALLY hard time ignoring my notifications. I just gotta know what's going on! I might not even answer the person who sent me a message. It's very difficult for me to turn off my phone when I'm out on a date, so when I do, you should know it's a pretty big deal. What if work calls? What if the Mister needs me? What if weather-bug needs to tell me that there is a fire weather warning (in Chicago, no less)?
The first step in working through a flaw is admitting you have it in the first place. I love the Mister, I love the Libertine, I'm enamored of the Prime. It's not fair to them that I am more in love with my phone than anyone else! It's not fair that when I'm with one of them I feel as though I need to answer the others. I need to unplug for just a few hours a day, if only so that the men in my life can see exactly how much they mean to me.