Saturday, April 14, 2012

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave...

Ok poly peeps, here's the thing.  I have a LOT to talk about this week, so please be patient with the onslaught of posts coming over the next few days.  There is the second date with Potential Boy #3, the first date I had Monday,  some happenings with the Mister, and all the crap that happened today.  Oh, and the good stuff that happened today.  Can someone tell the universe I'm trying to tap out and catch my breath?  On top of that, the Libertine informed me that I was tweeted about this morning, and holy hell was that an odd feeling.  I don't understand Twitter at all, but if this keeps up I may have to learn!

I inadvertently got myself into a spot today (I know, what else is new).  For once, I didn't almost out myself in an awkward way.  Instead, I almost blew up a relationship.  Hey, April, KNOCK IT OFF.

I've not talked about the Prime a whole lot, for a few reasons.  First of all, I try not to over share about a partner until I've touched base with them about what I'm doing here, and made sure they are okay with a certain amount of our personal lives being on the internet, albeit anonymously.  Secondly, I've been feeling a little bit confused regarding my feelings towards the Prime, and I don't want to say anything here that I haven't said to him face to face yet.

Thursday night, the Prime had a first date.  I am not particularly jealous, and I don't mind that he had a date.  I will admit to feeling a little sad that he and I have had to cancel our past two dates, but that feeling didn't interfere with me being glad he had a date.  I was spending the evening with the Mister and the Libertine, so I was happy he had some company too.

Here is the problem:  his date was someone that had previously dated the Libertine, and the end result of those shenanigans were not good.  They were so not good, in fact, that I had heard the story long before this woman ever became an intended date of the Prime's.

I had no wish to seem like the overbearing girlfriend who tries to scare her lover off a new date.  I had no wish to look like I was being jealous or possessive in any way, so I did not mention my knowledge about this woman to the Prime.  My rationale was, he is a grown up, he can make his own decisions, and I don't want to interfere.  Fast forward to Friday morning:  the Prime and I were chatting, and he mentioned that this woman thought she may have dated the Libertine in the past.  I (stupidly) responded simply with an affirmative.  What I should have done was tell the Prime the whole story, including how I found out about their connection.  

The Prime was irritated that I hadn't told him this before his date.  I had thought I was being an awesome girlfriend in letting him make up his own mind regarding her.  I get his point, the Chicago poly community isn't that big, so chances are you will eventually end up knowing people through multiple lines of relationships.  Knowing ahead of time that partners of partners have dated in the past is a really good thing.  I just wasn't thinking of the big picture.

Now, this in itself wasn't a big deal.  What was a big deal was the barrage of information, questions, not-quite-accusations, and little bits of judgment that I got from both the Libertine and the Prime.  They had this woman  in common, and stories had started to converge.  Even worse, new information was disclosed to me that I had to immediately disclose to the Prime, (which I was afraid made me look like I really was trying to sabotage him).  I have gone back and read both conversations a couple of times at this point, and I'm still pretty muddled on the exact origin of all of the crazy.

The bottom line is, I felt like I had to defend my relationships with both men, to the other one.  Both men had valid concerns regarding each other, and I was feeling like I was being pushed at from all sides.  I apologized to the Prime for mistakenly withholding information, and I talked to the Libertine about how the whole thing was making me feel.  From there, I became increasingly uncomfortable talking to the Prime about the situation.  I got to the point where I had to say "I need some time to think, I'll talk to you later," and leave my phone on my desk.

I felt awful.  Here I was, making a man who cares about me feel as though I don't respect him enough to share everything with him.  I had somehow managed to get stuck in the middle of a web of relationships, and all I wanted was for the awkward craziness to go away.

On my way home I stopped to see him.  I had to tell him in person that I was sorry, and that everything had spiraled out of control seemingly on its own.  I had to tell him that I don't know how I'm feeling about him, but I that I care about him a LOT, and I don't want to fuck up our relationship.  I know I need to spend some time thinking about how I'm feeling - but as I've said before, I really prefer my life to unfold organically and not to force things to go my way.  It's very hard, though.  Often, the Prime will say something spectacularly funny, and my gut reaction is to say "I love you," in my flippant and playful tone.  I don't say it, but it makes me wonder... why is that my first reaction?  Do I really mean it?  Or is it just one of those things I say in day to day life, like using Bananapants instead of the word crazy?

Sometimes being poly can be a nightmare.

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