Monday, April 16, 2012

Things I'm Learning the Hard Way

One of my most captivating features is also one of my biggest downfalls: I try to make everyone happy.  If something is bothering you, I'll give you a hug and a beer and a shoulder to cry on.  If you need something, I'll try to make it happen.  If you want something, I'll try to give it to you.  A lot of times I'm able to make others happy, and I feel great, and the world is perfect.  Other times, I can't do a damned thing for you and I wind up feeling like the world's biggest failure.

My time is precious, just like yours.  It's mine to share, and I'm quite picky where I share it.  To make matters more complicated, I don't work a 9-5 job, so there are nights that I must work, weekend days that I must work, and dates must be scheduled around this.  Add in the Mister and my kids, and finding time to spend with me becomes a vicious dance of small windows and brutal timelines.

I try so hard to be fair.  Usually, if I'm free on a given night, it's first come, first served.  When we start talking about a standing night to be together, you know you're special.  When more than one partner requests the same day of the week as a standing night, my brain implodes.  Here is basically the thought process:
"Okay.  They both want Monday."
"They can't both have Monday, who asked first."
"Boy A, but Boy B's schedule is much harder to work around."
"Hmm... maybe we can share."
"Yes!  This could work!"
In reality, one boy is really hurt, the other is pretty frustrated, and I feel like a total shit.  I think if you totaled up all of the times I said the words "I fucked up" since Friday, you could crush the average score of a Chicago Bears game.  I don't set out to make people feel unloved and unimportant - I'm simply trying to not have to say "no" to someone I genuinely care about.  I'm trying to keep everybody happy, a trait that is occasionally more curse than blessing.


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