Tuesday, June 12, 2012

In Which I Probably Admit Too Much

I've briefly mentioned a time or two that my relationship with the Prime has a pretty strong basis in kink.  Someone recently asked me to describe what being a sub is like, and the question got me thinking.  People have a hard time seeing me as a sub, they can't wrap their brain around the idea of me letting go enough to follow commands and be at another person's beck and call.

The simplest part of the answer is this:  I could not do this for just anyone.  I know there are people who make a living being subs for hire, I know that I couldn't do it.  There is something about the Prime that allows me to absolutely let go and trust him.

When we first started dating, things started out as an experiment on my part.  I knew going in that I was a fan of the rougher side of sex.  What I didn't expect was to be a fan of all of the trappings of kink.  I love all of it.  The toys, restraints, rules, the mental challenge of it... all of it turns me on and gets me going.  The first few times we played were what I've come to think of as kink lite; there was not a true D/s relationship yet, it was more two people testing each other out to see if we were compatible.

The first time I wore a collar for the Prime, I was completely shocked at my emotional and physical reaction.  I was not ready for the unbelievable release of it.  Knowing that I had agreed to completely obey a man for the first time in my entire life, I found myself in a place where I was able to just let go of all of the self conscious behaviors I'd built up over the course of my sexual experiences.  I didn't flinch when he took my chin in his hand and made me look into his eyes.  I didn't try to position my body in a way that disguised its true shape.  The Prime commanded me to kneel, and I knelt.  He commanded me to put my hands behind my back, and I did so.

That's not to say I'm perfect at it.  I was not expecting it to be as difficult as it was (and still can be).  I am stubborn, and have a tendency to laugh when I screw up.  The Prime has taken all of this in stride, and has been teaching me how to behave appropriately - but I still sometimes forget to call him Sir, or will do something without asking permission first, and I laugh or smile every time he points out my mistake.

As my relationship with the Prime grows, as we go further down the rabbit hole, I've noticed that he is a little surprised at what I can take before I safe word.  In all the time we have been together, I've only called it once.   Part of the trust inherent in a kinky relationship is knowing that your partner will tell you when you've gone too far.  On more than one occasion, he has stopped what he is doing to ask if I'm okay, and I get the feeling he is expecting me to say no.  I am able to compartmentalize the external stimulus, to make it a mental challenge, to accept it for the love that it represents... and that allows me to accept almost anything he is ready to give.

The Prime and I don't always have a scene.  There are times when it's just two lovers meeting.  When we do get kinky, it's always with complete trust, love, and understanding.  We get each other.  We accept what the other needs from us.  And that's all I need.

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