Friday, July 6, 2012

Baggage


We all have baggage.  My primary one happens to be not being able to trust other people when they tell me I've done a good job, or that I'm attractive, or funny, etc.  I am not good with compliments or praise.  I'm used to not feeling good enough for others, professionally, personally, emotionally.  I'm used to family members saying things that are hurtful, and even though I know they are not doing it consciously, it devalues my relationships with them.  I'm used to the Mister prefacing a comment with "don't take this personally, but..."  I'm used to feeling like my boss dislikes the work that I'm doing.  I'm used to being subtly told that my career choice is a joke.

The baggage we carry affects every relationship we choose to be in.  We make assumptions about current partners based on previous experiences.  Every time the Libertine or the Prime tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy, desirable, I immediately shift to the defensive and throw out a witty rebuttal.  I diminish their compliment by being self-deprecating or coy.  

And the stupid thing is, I have an amazing amount of self confidence.  I know that I'm attractive.  I love my body.  I know that I'm intelligent, and funny, and a fun person to hang out with.  I'm a good mother, and a great cook, and I'm exceptional at my job.


I'm not perfect, but I absolutely love who I am. 

So why do I let the slights of others get me down?  Why do I let the idiocy of past relationships damage the ones I currently have?  It's not just this baggage, either.  There are so many things that I have gut reactions to, defense mechanisms learned through a lifetime of shitty loves, horrible family, jealous friends.  

I am sorry.  To each of my lovers, I am sorry.  I am trying to let it go.  I am trying to look forward, not back.  I am trying to build a life with you, not destroy what we have begun.  

I love you.

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