Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Feminist Sub

I was raised with feminist values. Women should make the same salary, have the same rights, share the housework, etc. A partner should be just that - a partner who shares your load. My parents split and remarried when I was 11, and I remember watching the different marriage dynamics with fascination. My mother and stepfather split things pretty evenly, he taking most of the outside tasks/home maintenance and she commanding the house like the captain of a ship. My father and stepmother had a much more 1950's vibe going; she was a stay at home mom, and took care of every single thing that needed doing, except mowing the lawn. In both cases the woman managed the money, although my mother and stepfather seemed to share and communicate about it much more.

In my marriage I'm the one who wears the pants. I have most of the power, and not by choice. The Mister is a very passive, free spirited personality; he is perfectly content to simply move through the day and see where it takes him, whereas I am extremely Type A - I plan, strategize, and execute. In my work life I am the boss. Everyone in my building follows my lead, and there is very little question as to who is in charge.

When I'm subbing, I feel this amazing sense of freedom and peace. I have no power. I have no say in what is about to happen. I can stop things with one word if I choose to, but the course of events are not up to me. The Libertine has taken an interest in this aspect of my sexuality, and perhaps because of the immense amount of time we spend together, it's no longer contained to the bedroom.

It's exhilarating. He will allow me to be in collar for hours at a time, just going through a normal day (typically a day we are off together). He will randomly issue a command, and my heart leaps as I rush to obey. I love this aspect of our life together. I love that he enjoys it as much as I do. I love that he expects me to serve him, and I am completely willing to do so.

I don't think that it's at odds with my personality to feel this way. Just because I enjoy subbing doesn't mean I can't be strong-willed, or competent, or have an opinion. It doesn't mean that I want to be subservient in every aspect of my life, either. At the end of the day I still want an equal partner. I still want him to respect me, and admire me. I want him to value my opinions and ask for my input.

But I also want him to fuck me like the whore that I am.

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