Monday, November 19, 2012

Finding My Kinks

I recently read an article by Jillian Keenan describing how hard it can be to expose a particular fetish, in her case spanking, to our partners. It got me thinking - not only did I used to have trouble expressing my needs to partners, but for most of my life even I wasn't sure what they were, exactly. From almost the beginning of my sexual experiences I remember feeling that something was missing. I remember moments where what was happening was almost what I needed to orgasm, but not quite.

For the first 15 years of my sexual life, I only climaxed from penetrative sex a handful of times, usually on accident. I usually came via manual stimulation if I did it myself with a partner kissing me or helping me. It was not until I found the Libertine, and also discovered kink, that both of those things became easy for me. Looking back, I should have looked for this outlet years ago. I live close enough to a major city, I have plenty of access to the internet and kink-friendly resources, that I should have put two and two together a long time ago. But I didn't.

I remember being a young girl dreaming about my first kiss. I remember the picture in my head clearly: he would wrap an arm around my waist, pulling me close, the other hand holding my head and then clamping down roughly on a fistful of my hair as our lips met. My actual first kiss was trembling, bodies far apart, neither of us sure what to do. For years I looked for a man to kiss me the way I really wanted to be kissed. By the time I got married I had pretty much given up, thinking that perhaps I was being unrealistic and setting the bar too high. The first time the Libertine kissed me I nearly fell over in shock because he read me like a book, and spent several hours giving me exactly the experience I had been craving my entire life.

When I was 12 years old I got into a verbal argument with a boy. I pushed the envelope of the argument to a personal level, and his response was to full-armed slap me across the face. I was thunderstruck, and so conflicted with the excitement that rose in me that I just stood there, never breaking eye contact until a teacher dragged us both off to our punishments. I have thought about that day many times since, and when I first learned to pleasure myself (before I had concrete physical experiences to draw from) I would use it as a focal point. Being slapped still holds the same effect for me as an adult.

When I was 19 years old I ventured into a sex shop by myself for the first time ever. One would think that my first sex toy purchase would have been a vibrator or a dildo, but I was drawn to a set of gleaming steel nipple clamps. I bought them, took them home, and hid them. I only ever used them when I was flying solo. I never showed them to a partner until I met the Mister. He was willing to use them with me but was not really interested, and after one try I put them aside. When I started dating the Prime last March, one of the first things he tested on me was a set of clamps, and I could not believe the response my body gave when they were used by a willing partner. Now, with the Libertine, clothespins and rough play are two of my absolute favorite things in the world.

At age 22 a partner physically assaulted me during a disagreement, throwing me into a wall and then forcing me to the floor. The situation quickly escalated into extremely hot sex, resulting in one of the few times I climaxed during penetration. At 25 a partner grabbed me as I entered his apartment and ripped off my shirt, leaving it in shreds. After our quickie was over, I was forced to wear his hoodie over my bra while we were out with friends for a night on the town. I felt exposed, aroused, anticipatory. He apologized for what he thought was awful behavior, and when I revealed how I felt about it he seemed to disapprove. I have asked every partner that I've had repeated sex with to tie me up at one time or another. Most vanilla men will do this once in a while, but having it done by a man who is as turned on by it as I am? Words cannot accurately express how much that excites me.

It's not just these things that should have told me I was looking for more in my sex life. During the early 2000's, when CSI was a huge hit of a show, there were a series of episodes featuring a character named "Lady Heather." She was the madame of an establishment that catered to the BDSM crowd. My boyfriend at the time could only say, "That's some fucked up shit." I could only think, "Oh my god, I want to go there." I've probably read the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rampling (Anne Rice)at least 50 times. Ironically just before I found partners to teach me what I'd been missing, I donated the books out of misery, thinking I should put aside the dreams and try to live in reality.

Today, I'm enjoying an extremely healthy D/s relationship with the Libertine. Giving him the consent to use my body for his pleasure gives me the release I need to achieve sexual fulfillment. Even when we don't play, my response to his touch is immediate and passionate. Finding my kinks has helped me become a better person. I'm no longer constantly wondering what I'm missing, and my confidence in daily life has skyrocketed. I know who I am now.

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