Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Bloggess, Sherlock, and Me

The other morning I woke abruptly, shook the Libertine awake, and exclaimed, "You will not believe the dream I just had!"

In my dream, I was best friends with the Bloggess, and she was just as awesome in real life as she is on the internet.  She and I were going a movie or TV premiere party together.  I don't know why she chose me over her husband as a date, but it was a wicked fun time.

She had appeared in the movie or TV show in a scene with Benedict Cumberbatch, he of Sherlock fame.  When it came time for the screening, she headed for the bathroom, leaving me seated next to Benedict all by myself.


Trying to make idle conversation, I asked him what he thought of the Bloggess.  He, assuming that I was asking if he was interested in her romantically, responded "She is a little chubby for my taste.  You, on the other hand..." He looked me up and down. "Women make you make me doze off, I'm so bored."

You guys, Benedict Cumberbatch is an asshole.

(Disclaimer:  I don't know if he is an asshole.  He could be a totally sweet guy.  Or an asshole.  I don't know.  But in my dream?  ASSHOLE.)

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Square One

It's really hard to be a poly blogger when you don't feel very poly.

It's been two weeks since I've slept in the Mister's bed.  It's been over a month since I last was intimate with him.  More and more I am struggling to find my way back to the emotional space that allowed me to love him.

He and I talked yesterday for more than 3 minutes for the first time in a week.  We're more like roommates than spouses right now. 

He dislikes that I'm shutting him out.  I dislike that every time he approaches me I feel as though all he is looking for is physical release, and doesn't really care to spend time with me otherwise.  He doesn't make me feel sexy or desirable, he makes me feel uncomfortable and like the only important part of me is my vagina.

Six months ago I asked him for a divorce and he stoutly refused.  For a little while things were better, but more and more they feel like they are falling apart.

I finally faced him yesterday and said, "I don't want to be alone with you.  I don't want to walk on eggshells because your pride is hurt that right now I don't love you."  He was hurt, but he did actually try to listen to what I was saying.  We were able to agree that his current work schedule is killing any chance we may have at fixing what is broken.  He works overnight, four nights a week.  Basically, as soon as I get home from work he heads for a nap before his shift starts.  We really don't see each other for more than 30 minutes a day.

He and I need to start over, at square one, and act like we are dating, not like we're married.  We take too much for granted, we get upset when the other doesn't do something that we thought was obvious (but probably wasn't).  Essentially, we've become strangers in the same house.

The Libertine is ... wary of the Mister and I reconciling.  A lot has happened, and there will be many things that will need to be atoned for and changed by all of us in the future.  I still don't even know that I want to be married... but I do know that I will do anything to keep custody of my children, and in a poly divorce anything can happen.

In the meantime, I'll share what I can.  Maybe it will help some of you.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Poly New Year

2012 was a year of firsts for me.  It was a year of new loves, new struggles, new sex, new experiences at work, and new friends.  2012 was good to me. 

2013 feels like it could go either way.  We are still coming across speed bumps in the poly living arrangements.  There are still moments when my men get angry with each other over perceived slights and I have to hold my breath and pray that we donh't implode.  

But things are calming down.  We are going longer and longer between those episodes.  The kids are doing great.  The Princess has been with us for the major holidays (she even came to Christmas at my Mom's house).  

I'm still working on my resolutions.  I have an idea of that they are, but I'm still thinking my way through them.  

For now, I wish for the coming year to be gentle with me, to not contain as much strife as last year, and for me to be brave when I need to, humble when I need to, and kind even when I'd rather be snarky.

Happy New Year, poly land!