It's really hard to be a poly blogger when you don't feel very poly.
It's been two weeks since I've slept in the Mister's bed. It's been over a month since I last was intimate with him. More and more I am struggling to find my way back to the emotional space that allowed me to love him.
He and I talked yesterday for more than 3 minutes for the first time in a week. We're more like roommates than spouses right now.
He dislikes that I'm shutting him out. I dislike that every time he approaches me I feel as though all he is looking for is physical release, and doesn't really care to spend time with me otherwise. He doesn't make me feel sexy or desirable, he makes me feel uncomfortable and like the only important part of me is my vagina.
Six months ago I asked him for a divorce and he stoutly refused. For a little while things were better, but more and more they feel like they are falling apart.
I finally faced him yesterday and said, "I don't want to be alone with you. I don't want to walk on eggshells because your pride is hurt that right now I don't love you." He was hurt, but he did actually try to listen to what I was saying. We were able to agree that his current work schedule is killing any chance we may have at fixing what is broken. He works overnight, four nights a week. Basically, as soon as I get home from work he heads for a nap before his shift starts. We really don't see each other for more than 30 minutes a day.
He and I need to start over, at square one, and act like we are dating, not like we're married. We take too much for granted, we get upset when the other doesn't do something that we thought was obvious (but probably wasn't). Essentially, we've become strangers in the same house.
The Libertine is ... wary of the Mister and I reconciling. A lot has happened, and there will be many things that will need to be atoned for and changed by all of us in the future. I still don't even know that I want to be married... but I do know that I will do anything to keep custody of my children, and in a poly divorce anything can happen.
In the meantime, I'll share what I can. Maybe it will help some of you.