Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Backtracking

There is no way to write this post with finesse.  There is not a way to make anything seem like it happened the way I wanted it to happen.  There's just the way things are.

The Libertine has moved back to his apartment, for reasons totally his own.  Nothing in the world could have stopped this from happening, and while it took me an entire week to process it and to recover from the sudden emptiness of the house and my day to day life, I have made my peace with it.

We have not broken up.  There is no good guy or bad guy.  We are still deeply in love and committed to finding a way to be partners for the long term.  We are figuring out how to make that happen little by little, day by day.

I will give myself credit for removing myself from social media and the poly world at large for that entire week.  I left myself no outlet in which to whine, be a drama queen, be snarky, spiteful, or mean.  I gave myself the space to process the things that were happening, and most importantly, I gave myself permission to lean on the shoulders of friends and to cry.

Ironically, this change has brought a lot of peace with it.  I didn't realize until this happened that I was moving through every single day holding my breath and waiting for the Next Big Problem to pop up.  This past week, while extremely hard, showed me that sometimes great partners need some space between them in order to function optimally.  When you're in each other's faces every night and texting all day long every day, there simply isn't any room to just be yourself.  You're always trying to live up to what you perceive are the other person's expectations of you, and it can be exhausting.  Sure, this is true in marriages as well, but when you're living as a Vee in one house, everything gets amplified.  Small things become huge, big things become dealbreakers.

We are moving forward.  We don't know what our future together will look like, or what it will bring.  We only know that we want a future together, one way or another.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Rambling, Reflecting

Somewhere in the past few weeks our V has both hit bottom and found a groove.  I know that sounds really fucking odd, but if you think about it, it totally makes sense.  Once we got to a point where it looked about to fall apart, things magically snapped into place.  They're still not perfect (and probably never will be), but they are pretty damned good.  The Libertine is far and above more primary to me than the Mister right now, and that's okay.  The Mister and I are putting our relationship back together, slowly and painfully.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about poly relationships, and poly marriages in particular.  My friend's marriage has been suffering the malaise that was/is affecting my own - and I realized that this isn't an uncommon occurrence in poly marriages.  I know and know of many couples who became poly and ended up with completely different partners as primaries - myself included.  Some of them stayed married and adapted their lifestyle, like me, while others divorced and married the new partners.

So what is it that drives us to make these changes?  The Mister and I didn't choose polyamory because we were consciously looking for a new partner.  I didn't expect to find someone who completely redefined the term soulmate for me.  The Mister didn't expect to find that he didn't like dating after all.  I don't know what we expected, exactly, but nearly 18 months later we've found a version of polyamory that seems to be working for us.

Day-to-day things are so normal around here that the only real difference between us and a "normal" household is that there are more cars in the driveway and three people doing the parenting.  We wake up, feed the dogs & kids, head to work, come home, make dinner, and try to unwind before we start all over again.  We pay bills and grocery shop and make plans to fix things around the house.

Is this kind of polyamory for everyone?  I doubt it.  I know that for some in the community the rush is in the dating, the getting to know new people, the ever-changing roster of lovers and friends.  But for me the rush is in coming home at the end of the day and having partners - real, committed partners - to help me make the drudgery a little less painful.