Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Backtracking

There is no way to write this post with finesse.  There is not a way to make anything seem like it happened the way I wanted it to happen.  There's just the way things are.

The Libertine has moved back to his apartment, for reasons totally his own.  Nothing in the world could have stopped this from happening, and while it took me an entire week to process it and to recover from the sudden emptiness of the house and my day to day life, I have made my peace with it.

We have not broken up.  There is no good guy or bad guy.  We are still deeply in love and committed to finding a way to be partners for the long term.  We are figuring out how to make that happen little by little, day by day.

I will give myself credit for removing myself from social media and the poly world at large for that entire week.  I left myself no outlet in which to whine, be a drama queen, be snarky, spiteful, or mean.  I gave myself the space to process the things that were happening, and most importantly, I gave myself permission to lean on the shoulders of friends and to cry.

Ironically, this change has brought a lot of peace with it.  I didn't realize until this happened that I was moving through every single day holding my breath and waiting for the Next Big Problem to pop up.  This past week, while extremely hard, showed me that sometimes great partners need some space between them in order to function optimally.  When you're in each other's faces every night and texting all day long every day, there simply isn't any room to just be yourself.  You're always trying to live up to what you perceive are the other person's expectations of you, and it can be exhausting.  Sure, this is true in marriages as well, but when you're living as a Vee in one house, everything gets amplified.  Small things become huge, big things become dealbreakers.

We are moving forward.  We don't know what our future together will look like, or what it will bring.  We only know that we want a future together, one way or another.

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