Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Grieving

Clearly, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing anymore.  As you probably noticed on Twitter, the Libertine has asked for space.  And by space, we're talking total non-contact, I don't know if I'll ever hear his voice again space.

This is the first day in over a year, in fact the first day since before we met in person, that I have not even said "Good morning" to him.  It feels weird.  It feels lonely. 

It feels empty.

In a lot of ways, this is my own fault.  I should have just let him go from the start, and not tried to hold on so tightly.  I am terrified that he will never pick up the phone and tell me he's thinking of me ever again.  I know that it's a very real, in fact likely possibility.

So how do I look back at this past year and feel like it had value? 

I was loved.  I was so deeply loved.  I shared laughter, and tears, and intimacy, and a connection that I didn't think was possible for me.  I accepted someone into my life with all of their flaws, gave myself permission to just love them without any conditions or parameters. 

I took what was given me and I thought that it made me better.  I still think that it made me better.  I am far more confident, self aware, and centered than I was a year ago.

The Libertine taught me that I don't have to accept the status quo if I don't like it.  He taught me that sometimes the best way to show someone you love them is to let them go.  He helped me to understand that even if it's hard to love someone for who and what they are, it's totally worth it to have that love returned unconditionally.

I don't know if I taught the Libertine anything in our time together.  I'd like to hope that I did.  But even if I didn't I hope that he looks back on our time together and finds something of value in it.  I hope that he finds the things that brought him to me in the first place. 

I know intellectually that the odds are against my ever seeing him again.  I'm working through the grief of this loss, trying to maintain a sliver of hope while I move on with my life.  I'm focusing on work, leaning on friends, and keeping my mind busy.

I'm moving forward, because it's the only thing I can do.

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