Saturday, August 24, 2013

Aftermath & New Beginnings

One of the hardest things about breaking up is the inevitable untangling of your online lives.  The Libertine and I were linked together on Twitter, Facebook, Fetlife, Google Calendar... you name it, we shared it.  During the first few days after we broke each other's hearts, I cut him out of all the obvious places:  I deleted him from my phone, unfollowed him on Twitter, etc.

But because of how intertwined our lives were, there's always just one more thing that I've forgotten about.  The Libertine was never a big Facebook user, so I neglected to unfriend him there for quite a while.  One morning I logged in to check on my family, and I noticed his picture was no longer smiling at me in the corner of the chat box.  He had unfriended me.

That hurt.

A breakup is like a million little deaths over and over and over.  Just when you think you're done, something else pops up and reminds you that this person you loved with your whole soul is no longer a part of your life.  So you get to experience that grief again and again.  I'm glad to say that each time this happens, the hurt is less.  Each time he and I talk for logistical reasons (hey, have you seen my <insert random object here>) it's a little bit easier on me.

One of the things helping me is leaning on the Mister and a pair of potentials.  The Mister is letting me heal, not pushing me to recommit to our marriage right away.  He lets me know that he loves me without getting in my face; he's giving me space and care right now.  He is supportive of my other burgeoning relationships, he likes both men and is once again talking to me about my relationships outside our vows.

The potential partners are even more careful.  Both men I have known for a long time.  Both men are more worried about my emotional health than they are about getting into my bed.  Both men have made it known that even should I choose not to date right now, they are staying in my life in some form because I am important to them.

I am so lucky that polyamory has given me such lovely people to lean on in times of crisis.  I am so lucky to know that I am loved, cared about, wanted, and appreciated.  I am so lucky that despite all of the horrible choices I have made in the past year, these people can see that I'm getting better; I'm a better person and a more careful partner than I have ever been.

I cannot wait to see where these relationships go.

No comments:

Post a Comment